First things first… I was celibate for 3.5 years, and here’s why.

My journey into celibacy wasn’t intentional, not at first. I was hurt, exhausted, and honestly fed up with the type of men I kept attracting. I had to take a break. The final straw was my ex borrowing money from me, and me later finding out he was married. I only discovered the truth because I bought a background report on him from the internet. Best $45 I ever spent. I just wish I had done that before loaning him the money. Sigh.

For the record, he still hasn’t repaid me, and at this point, I don’t think I’ll ever see that money again. All of this happened in March of 2022. If I’m being honest, I only went back to him for the umpteenth time because he felt familiar. I guess he was the last energetic cord that needed to be cut, besides Mr. That situation was still ongoing, and would resolve itself eventually.

So, my celibacy journey began from a place of hurt and a deep desire not to share my energy with anyone. There was always that lingering thought of, “What if Mr. comes back?” but he’s not. I’ve come to terms with that.

I have been a work in progress for many years now, but I think the celibacy part was the missing link that finally got me to focus fully on myself and what I truly wanted. I did attempt to date a couple of times, but they weren’t ready for me—and honestly, I wasn’t ready either. Red flags are so much more apparent to me now, and if there are too many in the beginning, I dip. I genuinely thought I would never have sex again. At one point, I even wondered if I was becoming asexual.

Now, I wasn’t completely celibate because I still masturbated and used toys for content, but my sex drive was definitely stunted. You might be wondering if it was hard not to have sex. And yeah, it was. In the beginning, every two weeks I would crave it. It felt like riding a roller coaster. But slowly, it shifted to once a month, and then eventually just here and there when the itch hit. I used to say I felt numb or dead inside, but that wasn’t it at all, I was hibernating. Someone once told me to reframe it as hibernation, and that resonated deeply.

So what made me come out of hibernation? Or rather… who?

In April of this year, I started talking to a younger man, but it just didn’t align with the Mercury retrograde and the Venus cycle I was moving through. I looked at the whole situation like a test, to see if I’d fall back into old patterns. I stood on business and told him the only thing I could offer him was spiritual guidance. I set a firm boundary and didn’t hear from him again.

Then I moved to Arizona and didn’t think much about it until I heard his job had relocated him to Arizona too. The universe felt like it was playing one big cosmic joke. I fought the temptation to reach out, but all of that came crashing down recently when I finally did reach out to let him know I would be in his city. I assumed he had blocked me after that last message months ago, but he responded immediately.

It wasn’t until I saw him and spent time with him that I realized, once again, the timing of the planets, another Mercury retrograde, Venus going into the underworld, a Scorpio New Moon, Scorpio Sun, Mars in Scorpio… it was like the universe was conspiring for us to reconnect.

Now, where this will go? I’m not exactly sure.

But I do know one thing:

She’s awake again.

That feeling inside me has come back to life, and my sexual, creative energy is now bursting at the seams. The goddess is rising within me, and there’s nothing that can stop it.